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Colossians, part 13, The Household Code

After admonishing the church to adopt godly values, Paul then turns his attention to family relationships. Bible scholars refer to this section as “The Household Code.”

Colossians 3:18, 19 begins this way:

¹⁸ Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love [agapao] your wives and do not be embittered [mē pikrainesthe] against them.

Paul does NOT say, “Husbands, subject your wives to yourselves.” Neither does Paul say that wives must do everything their husbands command, even if it is sin. Paul was referring to God’s statement in Genesis 3:16, “To the woman he said… yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

The Change in Family Order

Prior to that day, Adam and Eve had no authoritative mandate over each other, because both of them were under God directly. Because both of them knew the will of God, they were always in agreement. Of what use is authority, except when two disagree? The ideal marriage, seen in the garden prior to the entrance of sin and corruption, was a team working together to fulfill the will of God.

The entrance of sin, however, imposed death and corruption. The result was that their ability to know the will of God was flawed and would eventually bring disagreement in the marriage. As a practical matter, then, God made a change, giving the husband authority over his wife. This did not mean that his view was always the right one. Far from it. Instead, this new order prevented paralysis and chaos when making family decisions.

Even so, just as this word was spoken to Eve herself, so also Paul addresses wives in general to submit to authority voluntarily. It does not mean that wives have no role in decision making, for husbands are admonished to love (agape) their wives. Love supersedes a servant relationship. One of the most important characteristics of love is honor.

How to Honor

True love honors the other. In 1 Peter 3:7 we read,

⁷ You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

This elevates the wife’s status and the husband’s responsibility to a level no other ancient moral code required. It is a husband’s responsibility to use his authority to lift up his wife to the place of honor “as a fellow heir.” Servants are not heirs. The ideal marriage is where husband and wife are equally in submission to Christ and the leading of the Spirit—and that they agree. Authority and responsibility always go in equal measures. Therefore, the husband is responsible before God to establish the ideal marriage.

The carnal minded husband would tend to force compliance, rather than to bring about real agreement. But agreement cannot be forced. Only servanthood can be forced. Ben Franklin once said, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Anyone can issue commands and enforce obedience, but this is neither love nor honor.

Men and women have differing priorities. Whereas a man might base his decision on logic and on how it will affect the family’s status in the community, a wife might be concerned with how the decision will affect the immediate family. A husband must value his wife’s input into the decision-making process, knowing that her womanly perspective is as important as his own. He must not coerce her into adopting his view but must pray to know how to act in a way which addresses her concerns.

Old and New Covenant Marriage

To use terms that were revealed much later, Adam and Eve had a New Covenant marriage in the garden. It was based on agreement, not on authority as such. Sin changed this arrangement into an Old Covenant marriage. Look at God’s marriage to Israel at Mount Sinai. In Exodus 19:8 the people who were collectively marrying God, vowed obedience. This was necessary only because the people lacked the ability to hear God’s voice and remain in full agreement with His will. Hence, they had to make a vow to put down their own fleshly desires (the will of man) which were naturally hostile to the mind of God.

So the Old Covenant servant relationship was established, and the nation failed to come into agreement with God. Knowing that this would happen, God gave Himself the right to divorce, as long as it was done properly (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). When the Old Covenant marriage finally failed completely, God then divorced Israel and sent them out of the house (Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:2). He then instituted the New Covenant, which was designed to write His laws in the hearts of the people so that their very nature would be changed and so that they would come into agreement with Him.

These principles apply to families as well, although there is one major difference. God is perfect, while earthly husbands are not. God is always right; earthly husbands are not. We are all born of flesh with the Adamic nature of the “old man.” For this reason, a husband must have the humility to know that he is not yet in the image of God. Therefore, he must be teachable, knowing that his wife is called to teach him about things he does not know. What things? She provides a woman’s perspective on life itself, something that he does not possess naturally. Adam lost that perspective when God took the woman out of him (Genesis 2:22).

Adam was originally created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26). God is complete in Himself, having perfect perspective. But when He took the woman out of Adam, each was incomplete and in need of the other to have a full perspective of God’s will. Yet God united them in marriage so that together they would know the perfect will of God for the family at all times. Sin, however, began to break this unity, and as time progressed, the world fractured more and more. In the end, through the New Covenant, all things will be reconciled, and love will prevail. Marriages will upgrade from Old Covenant servant relationships to New Covenant agreement that makes authority irrelevant.

So Paul gives instruction to both husbands and wives, which, if implemented by both parties, would lead ultimately to the original marriage arrangement in the garden. Wives are instructed to submit themselves, not to comply silently but to submit their womanly views to supplement their husbands’ viewpoint so that he might overcome his own blindness in that area.

In Titus 2:4 older, more experienced, and wiser women are asked to “encourage the young women to love their husbands.” The Greek word translated “love their husbands” is philandros, a compound word from phileo, “brotherly love,” and aner, “man, husband.”

It is interesting that the New Testament instructs women to phileo their husbands, while instructing men to agape their wives. As far as God is concerned, husbands were given greater responsibility in the quality of love. (Scary, isn’t it?) Agape love is divine love, which ultimately is possible only through the new creation man.

Parents and Children

Colossians 3:20, 21 says,

²⁰ Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. ²¹ Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

This instruction is rooted in the Fifth Commandment, “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). The commandment treats both parents as a single unit that children should honor equally. Paul goes further, telling fathers, in essence, that God holds them responsible to be good fathers. One cannot abuse children and then blame them for not honoring them.

Slaves and Masters

Colossians 3:22-24 says,

²² Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. ²³ Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, ²⁴ knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

This applies to all who serve under authority, including employees (servants). Everyone is a servant on one level or another. Even an absolute monarch is God’s servant, whether he acknowledges this or not. All, then, are to recognize that their labor is ultimately “for the Lord rather than for men,” even if their slavery is less than ideal. In the end, God will judge all things and will reward those who served diligently and punish those who used their authority to abuse their servants or employees.

Those in authority are but “stewards” under God (Luke 12:42). Stewards are responsible to treat their servants with justice and love. If they abuse their servants, God will hold them accountable (Luke 12:45, 46).

Paul says in Colossians 3:25,

²⁵ For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.

We serve an impartial God, as the law tells us (Deuteronomy 1:17; 10:17; 16:19). This is repeated in the New Testament (Romans 2:11; Ephesians 6:9; 1 Peter 1:17; Acts 10:34–35).

This section ends in Colossians 4:1, 2,

¹ Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven. ² Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.

Hence, Paul instructs both husbands and wives, fathers and children, masters and slaves, showing the responsibilities of each. All are under God’s authority, and therefore all have a level of responsibility toward God.